Doors locked and lights turned off. This was the scene I came upon as I arrived home today coming from school. As usual, I was left to cherish the moment alone in our lonely, peaceful, dirty, but comfortable house. It has been 47 minutes since I opened my laptop and surfed for stuff on the internet and yet I still can't drag myself to undress and change my clothes. It's one lazy day for me.

     It's been really busy in my world since I stepped on to the third year of my college life. And I talk of "really busy" like I don't have time to eat a decent meal, sleep for at least 5 hours and check on my distant friends once in a while. I even skip brushing my teeth at night and barely have the time to comb my hair. hahah. True. But one thing that really saddens me is my continuous absence from church. I don't want to get used to spending seven straight days for myself.

     This morning, I had to wake up at 3 o'clock to be able to arrive school at 4. The morning show Umagang Kay Ganda was held in our campus. I was there by 4:05. Streets were still dark and empty. I had to stay calm and steady though I was having a bad headache for not being able to sleep. I had to fulfill the desires of my heart to become once again a multitasking person who wants nothing but to put everything into balance but unfortunately can't. 

     And there I arrived at school with the guard telling me to enter the gate (where I was supposedly not allowed to enter to) because they were already waiting for me.

"Miss, bilisan niyo po. Dito na kayo dumaan. Hinihintay na nila kayo."

     Surprised to hear that, I looked around and was even more surprised to see no one but me. So I didn't hesitate to enter and act as if I was a VIP. hahah. It was so early that my classmates were not able to make it to school yet. I went straight to our main bldg. and headed for the wash room. I went inside the cubicle but had nothing to release. There was no flush too.

     At about 4:15 I went to the pavilion and waited some more. I didn't sit for there was no one I knew well to be beside me without those awkward moments. About some time later I spotted someone familiar at a distance. I saw that black and pink jacket and thought if it was one of the two people I knew who had that jacket. And it was. Andrea. :) Finally, we settled for seats and reserved for the others.

     After some time, the morning show started at around 5:15. Everyone was enthusiastic at first but didn't have that energy to participate even in shouting the chant that we were supposed to yell. Everyone was as sleepy as I was I guess.

    We had some exposure on screen too. hahah. These were some snapshots this morning. I had little time to take pictures though. My friends have a lot. I could use some and upload here some other time.

    The event lasted for almost 5 hours. My energy drained and left me sleeping as the show was about to end. We still attended classes after but I wasn't able to keep up and tolerated my sleepy eyes to shut.

I just posted this Gerber I Pledge widget for 250 credits. You can earn free credits too!

     This month was pretty much of a burden to me. I had to get sick, feel tired, feel lonely, and just wanted to stop whatever I am doing. I had been planning to post an entry since my brother's birthday but then I didn't get to start it. It's been 10 days. I have been wanting the time to move a bit slower. I'm wanting to make the most of my days before I turn to a year older. There's just too much happening.

     October 26. It was a Sunday. It was the time when we were able to go to church together as a family after almost 2 months. I have not been attending church since the day my mom's arthritis went so bad. And since we have no private car and our church was too far, it was hard for my mom to get there. Those days were the times I've been questioning what was happening to my world. Everyday, I would come home late from school due to my lame schedule combined with the bonding times with my friends at school. I would come home hungry but would have nothing to eat. If there is something to eat, it would not be a satisfying meal. What's worse was I needed to wash dishes before I could eat and it was already past 10 in the evening. I arrive home tired but I force myself not to sleep because I have a lot to do. I patiently wait for the food but to my hunger I can't work because I can't think. I always ended up sleeping at school.

     That Sunday made a difference to our drowning lives. We went to SM Marikina together and shopped at the supermarket. This was the latest we've been to the grocery store together. My dad and brother used to wait outside or go ahead during these times but that day was different.

 

     November 9. It was my brother's 19th birthday, another Sunday. We headed to Robinson's Metro East after church. My dad bought an electric guitar package for our church. That day made me hopeful yet sad. Before, when my brother's birthday comes, I get excited for mine. Now is much different. I am finding the reason for enjoying my birthday. I wanted my friends to be there. Too bad, those who I really wanted to be there are somewhat impossible to invite. They're on other countries and I don't think I am that special for them to spend thousands just to attend my birthday.

     I just feel like I haven't done things that I should've done before. I don't want to grow old without anything to be proud of. It's much like wasting the precious times the Lord has given me. "What am I doing with my life right now?" - that's a question I've been asking myself lately. I initially wanted to blog because I want to share my daily experiences to inspire others and be a living epistle of the Lord. I don't feel that I'm doing it. :(

     My mother has nothing else in mind but my celebration. I am so touched and glad that she's giving her very best for me. But as she nags me to update things and do these I feel the pressure pressing harder on me. We attended a 7th Royal Birthday party last November 8. And since then, my mom didn't stop talking about stuff like those. I could tell her over excitement because she has not experience these things when she was my age. All I wanted was a simple celebration where the special persons in my life are there with me. How can I ever do that when the person I miss the most can't come and (I guess) never will.